VERBAL VOMIT IN ALPHABET SOUP

Dear Uncle Barbie,

I understand that you, Uncle Barbie, hold a doctorate in clinical psychology. This is commendable of course, but I'm wondering if one of the reasons you decided to become proficient in this area might have been to learn enough to justify your perverted lifestyle to others as well as yourself.

While watching Monty Python recently it came to me that in a strange sort of way, they are helping people who must go mad. Instead of a mental hospital which is sort of a re-servicing factory for human breakdowns they are providing an outlet for people who have traveled further and consequently, may be more lost than psychiatrists and other sane people, can find their way further into inner space and time, and back again. Instead of the degradation ceremonial of psychiatric examination, diagnosis and prognostication, we need, for those who are ready for it...an initiation ceremonial through which the person will be guided with full social encouragement and sanction into inner space and time, by people who have been there and back again. Psychiatrically, this would appear as ex-patients helping future patients go mad. When a person goes mad, a profound transposition of his place in relation to all domains of being occurs. His center of experience moves from ego to self. Mundane time becomes merely anecdotal, only the eternal matters. Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be breakthrough. It is potentially liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.
Signed: Whomever

Hello Who?,

Wow, you said a mouth full. It took me quite a while to muddle my way through your longwinded composition. (You make run-on sentences a work of art.) I must say, I got lost trying to swim the murky waters of your vocabulary. Reading your complex sentence structure is like trying to make out words floating in a steamy bowl of alphabet soup--the letters may be there, but they just don't say anything! Are you trying to impress me with your "big words?" I couldn't help but notice that there was a stylistic discrepancy between the first paragraph in your letter and the second. The "mood" was different between the two. The first part used rather plain and simplistic terminology. Then, in the second part, you suddenly launch into a frenzy of sophisticated syntax. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed frolicking in your little linguistic festival and colorful metaphors, but I think it was a bit overdone. It’s similar to driving 100 MPH down the freeway with your head out the window. It’s just too much! I must say, though, your letter is a good example of literary demolition of sorts. So, this is what it feels like to be chained to the grammatical wrecking ball--God, I love clichés. (Somebody stop me. I’m out of control!)

I get the feeling that you are using the text from someone else. Are you quoting something clever from a Monty Python script? (It sounds like their style.) If you are...you really should put quotation marks around it and cite your source. Otherwise, it is considered plagiarism. (On the other hand, I could be totally mistaken, and maybe you DID create your entire letter from the dark chambers of your own mind.) But enough of all that. Let me answer your question. Oh, wait...that's right...you didn't ask me any questions! This gives more credence to my original thought that you really only wrote this letter because you wanted to dazzle me with your glittery self. Well, relax. You don't need to work so hard to gain my approval. I have pretty low standards to begin with. Let's face it...my advice column is like a sympathetic ear to those in our society who can't find anyone more civilized to listen to them.

The closest thing that comes to a question in your letter was when you pontificated on my motivation for earning a doctorate in clinical psychology. You wrote, “…I'm wondering if one of the reasons you decided to become proficient in this area might have been to learn enough to justify your perverted lifestyle to others as well as yourself.” As a person who studies human behavior, I need to be open to self-examination--without bias. So, I concede that you may have a point. I do have a tendency to intellectualize sexual behavior (in myself and others). However, just to give you a little history behind all of this…I believe the whole counseling profession originated from prostitution. (Actually, it’s been said that prostitution is the oldest profession, so perhaps all careers evolved out of that--hmmm.) Historically, people would visit a prostitute not only for sex but also for a little understanding, emotional comfort, sympathy, advice, and human interaction. To this day, men and women make appointments to see therapists for “human contact.” It’s not sexual contact but think about it: the client is still paying the therapist for a little understanding, emotional comfort, sympathy, advice, and human interaction. (Sound familiar?) Although the counselor is not physically touching the client, we are still “touching” them with our words.

Since you seem to favor language and fancy words (based on your letter), have you ever done any research on the origins of the word, therapist? (This should blow your mind!) If you put a slash mark between the e and the r in the word, therapist, you will see that the term becomes two words--the/rapist. This is because therapists “penetrate” the mind. (Ya gotta admit, when a person goes in for a psychological evaluation, there is a lot a “probing” going on.) It’s not a physical thing…it’s more of a mind f**k. I can’t speak for all therapists, but quite frankly, I tend to think of myself as simply being a polished intellectual whore. (It keeps me humble.) So, I tip my hat to you for successfully analyzing this advice columnist. Congratu-f**king-lations! Now you can sit back, revel in your brilliant idioms, and bask in the glowing radiance of your self-importance. (Or maybe I’m just projecting.) Wrap your mind around that!

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Your Intellectual Whore, Barbie