SURVIVING A CHAOTIC CHILDHOOD

My Dearest Uncle Barbie,

I am a near forty something woman who was taken away from my parents as a small child and given to my aunt. My other six siblings were sent to foster homes. My mother was a raging alcoholic, and my father was present but not present. Anyway, due to health issues, no foster home would take me (thankfully things have changed a bit since then...). Growing up, I always wanted to be a part of a family. My aunt would always introduce her two biological daughters, and then introduce me as “my brother's girl.” After a decade and a half of this, you kind of get the idea that “YOU ARE AN OUTSIDER!” Thankfully, my cousins have always treated me as a sister, for better or for worse.

Now comes the fun part! My biological siblings and I have always held each other at arm’s length. I have watched them drink themselves into oblivion, beat their children, go in and out of jail, and use every person they have come into contact with. When I left my aunt's house and got out on my own, I allowed myself to be pulled into only one situation where my oldest brother tried to use me to get drugs and booze, and I said, “Forget it.” I felt the only way to keep out of all of their drama was to just remove myself from the situation. So I got a job on the other side of the world, met my husband, moved back to the states, and now live in Minnesota, far removed from their craziness.

As I am getting older, I think I'm emotionally mature enough to try to bridge the gap with my biological family. I talk to my mom by email (she is no longer drinking and has been dry for years). I have tried to reach one of my brothers and his new wife, but he won't answer any of my emails. Now, a different brother is in the last stages of his battle with AIDS, and my mom has told me that he doesn't have long to live. This brother is an interesting fellow; he insisted he got the disease through IV drug use and told me many years ago that he hated having the disease because everyone thought he was a “fag.” I told him at that time that I didn't care how he got it. The cause was irrelevant to me. Well, as the years passed, it came out (or should I say, he came out?) and told us he was bisexual. He is divorced from his wife, but they still live together. Apparently, my wonderful biological siblings set upon him like a pack of wolves when they heard this news, and he has withdrawn from the family (much like I did). My mom tells me that he is now withdrawing from her, as well. She has been trying to bring him back into the family for years.

So, after all that, my question is this: How can I reconnect with my brother? I have a feeling that he will take my attempts to contact him as pity and will get annoyed. I don't want to get him worked up. I just want to let him know that I'm sorry we haven't been closer. I don't want my brother to die feeling like his family doesn't love him. Soooo. Any thoughts?

Signed, Confused in the City

Hello Confused City Girl,

Thank you for having the courage to open up your heart and share your personal story with me. It takes a special person to have that kind of strength. One of the nice things about being an advice columnist is that I have the privilege of being able to read the deeply touching narratives from readers. If the people from your childhood did not appreciate you, that’s their problem--not yours. Based on your description, your siblings are a bunch of sociopathic users who treat others as objects to be exploited. (Yeah, chemical dependency and narcissism make for an ugly mix.) If some of your brothers don’t return your emails and refuse to reconnect with you, then accept that. You have done your part in the communication process by letting them know that you would like to reestablish contact. The rest is up to them. If they do not respond, don’t push it; it will only drive them further away.

I am proud of you for showing support to your brother who is dying of AIDS. I have seen many cases where families have turned their backs on their own kin because of HIV and AIDS. When I was finishing my doctoral dissertation on hypnotic pain management, I did a year of volunteer work serving people living with AIDS. It was especially heartbreaking during the holiday season because most of them would not even get so much as a card or a phone call from their parents. I truly do not understand how a mother or father can abandon their own child just because that child is dying from a disease (like AIDS) that carries a negative social stigma. It’s NOT shameful to have a family member with HIV/AIDS; it IS shameful to have so much prejudice and condemnation for a loved one that you turn away when that person needs you the most. Regardless of what religion you subscribe to, every major religion in the world teaches that we should all love one another. Maybe AIDS is not so much a curse as it is a test of our love.

You asked how you can reconnect with your brother. There is no magical formula. Just send him a letter expressing your compassion and your love for him. If he writes you back, great! If he does not, there is really not much else you can do. Be at peace knowing that you have told him how you feel. Once again, congratulations for having survived such a crazy childhood. You are a beautiful soul.
 

Compassion with Pride, Barbie