DOING THE NASTY

Dear Uncle Barbie,

I know a guy who likes to be tied up and spanked. He is into all that sadomasochism stuff. Since he is a friend of mine, I don’t want to say anything to him about it for fear of offending him. A few days ago, he told me about getting together with a “date” that he met on the internet. He told me about all the sex toys that they used and techniques they tried. I don’t need to hear all this, but he seems to want to tell me every little detail. I just sit and listen to him politely. I am trying to understand him and all this sadomasochism stuff. Help me figure him out!

Signed, Lisa

Hello Lisa,

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It’s nice that you are such a loyal friend. However, do not think that you need to fake niceness in order to keep him as a friend. Be sincere in both your words and your facial expressions. If you do not feel like smiling, then don’t. You always have the right to say how you feel—that’s the type of right that you give to yourself. I think it is high time to tell him how you feel about his sexual stories. If your friendship with him is truly genuine, then he should be able to handle being told that you are uncomfortable with his tales of sexual escapades.

Now let me address your question about figuring out what motivates someone to practice sadomasochism (S & M). Although sadists have a need to dominate others, while masochists have a need to be dominated by others, I think that S & M behavior really stems from a desire to form a connection with another person. I am not saying that this type of a union is healthy, though. All people have the need to join with our fellow human beings; we just need to find a constructive method to achieve this feat. Some have theorized that people have anxiety when they experience the sense of being alone in the world. (By the way, this sense of separation is a feeling that tends to increase in tandem with the rise of economic and political freedoms. In other words, the more money and freedom you have the more independent you become which can lead to feelings of being detached from others.) To temporarily escape from this anxiety, people use many different means. The most common escape mechanisms that I have seen takes the form of such behaviors as: domination over others, self-destructiveness by allowing yourself to be mistreated, and conformity by going along with whatever the group is doing or blindly following traditional values even if you do not agree with them.

In regard to the interpersonal characteristics of S & M, the meaning behind the behavior lies in the dynamics of how the people involved relate to each other. The masochist relates to the sadist by letting the sadist dominate the situation. Playing the role of the masochist gives that person a sense of security because he/she knows what to expect in this type of degrading relationship. On the flip side, playing the role of the sadist gives that person a sense of security, as well, because he/she is playing the role of the one who is in charge. Relating with another person in this way may seem like a symbiotic relationship on the surface because it temporarily satisfies their need to unite; however, this manner of bonding is insalubrious since it retards a person from reaching their full potential. In a general sense, any relationship that does not promote personal growth and development is detrimental.

If it is not too much of a stretch, let me add a metaphysical perspective on this issue. In my opinion, some humans hear the spiritual calling to transcend—to rise above. Like most things, this can be accomplished in a positive or negative fashion. For the people who engage in sadistic behaviors, I believe that they are actually trying to transcend themselves, spiritually, by rising above the person they are dominating. Of course, this is not a beneficial way to transcend, but who ever said that the journey of transcendence was totally free of contaminants. Now there is something to think about the next time you roll on your back—spread eagle—and allow someone to stake you down.

Bonding Without Bondage, Barbie

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LEAVE YOUR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AT THE DOOR

Dear Uncle Barbie,

I was wondering about some advice you gave me earlier about "forgiving and forgetting." I get the forgive part. It’s to keep an incident from gobbling up a person's energy. [Hate/anger takes a lot of energy to maintain]. But the forgetting part--doesn't that kinda set a person up to repeat the same mistake? Thanks.

Signed, Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Hello Bitten Shy Person,

You are right. You don’t want to set yourself up to take a fall. I always thought that the metaphor, “forgive and forget” referred to letting go of the anger, as well as not obsessing about it any longer. I certainly do not believe that an offended person should lose their memory of the abuse. Rather, the person needs to leave the hurtful memories of the past in the past. When I use the metaphor “forget,” it implies leaving your emotional baggage behind you and moving on. Personally, I like to use visualizations to help heal old, emotional scars. Let me share with you a particularly effective guided imagery technique that I use with clients as well as with myself. (By the way, this technique should only be used for past memories—not for abusive situations that you are currently in. This is because if you are in a situation that is destructive, you need to deal with that situation directly by taking action, and not just using visualizations to picture things as better.)

Step 1. Close your eyes; take a deep breath and picture that person who hurt your feelings in the past.

Step 2. Change the way you view the offensive person by making him or her look ridiculous. For example, picture that person having big, floppy ears and a long nose like that of an elephant. Additionally, remove the color from the visualization by picturing the scene in black and white. This will reduce some of the emotional associations you have to the memory.

Step 3. Change the sound by imagining the offensive person (who now looks like a ridiculous elephant) speaking in a tiny, squeaky voice as if he or she were a chipmunk. Furthermore, push the scene far back into the distance as though you were watching it on the horizon. Research has shown that when you picture a painful memory as though it were up close, the emotions are stronger than when you push the image to the distance. Somehow, visualizing a disturbing memory far away seems to take away the emotional charge.

Lastly, Step 4. Repeatedly replay this memory, in its new form, using the updated imagery. Go ahead and laugh at the silly scenario. Every time you think of this memory, visualize it in its new, comical structure. What you are basically doing here is replacing the old, painful, memory with a new, humorous memory. Not only are you altering the images, you are also shifting how you feel about it. Try this technique, and see how it works for you.

Live & Love, Barbie

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