RECOVERY FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

Dear Uncle Barbie,

I read your disclaimer today, and it reminded me of a bone I must pick with you that I should have done a couple weeks ago when it was fresh. (Have all the fun with that that you like.) I refer to the letter from a person whose partner was sexually abused in childhood, and your advice, which was basically to be there and be caring. At first, I thought, when I read your column, "Well, Uncle Barbie is pretty wise. Maybe he's sized up this character as being shallow enough that he will hit the road when faced with the prospect of some real loving." But then I thought further…to all those who are painfully struggling, as I did for 30 years (with all the best intentions and love I could muster), against an almost inconceivably huge adversary. And I cannot remain silent.

My story: After half a lifetime spent "being there" for my sexually abused partner—complete with extensive damages to the children involved, as well as irreversible, psychological scars to myself—said partner left me (taking all the assets) for a partner with all the appearance of similar sexual abuse. In the process, irreparable harm has been done to my children and grandchildren, my finances, and my life. Within a sexual relationship with an abused person, "being there"—caring, patient, and respectful, and all the other similar advice you poured out— is not enough. Two things are essential: 1) The abused person involved must recognize that they are damaged and want to heal badly enough to face a lifetime of grueling inner work. 2) Professional help is an absolute must. Then your advice of patience and love comes into play—Big Time—because you will be facing those gorgons with your partner on a very intimate level. This is not a task for the warm and fuzzy. And lastly, you must also be prepared to accept that (as with my own story), in the end, your partner may not have the courage or the resources that it takes to go the ultimate distance.

I would have said: "Don't go there unless you have big cojones and a well-considered conviction that the ultimate good from the relationship has the potential to be greater than the inevitable destruction it will cause. No matter how fantastic or beautiful, your sexually abused partner is a deeply damaged person. While many abuse survivors function (heroically) well in more superficial human settings, within sexual intimacy you enter into their private chamber of horrors. "Beyond here be dragons..." There are NO exceptions! Childhood sexual abuse is one of the greatest crimes against humanity--and there are few survivors of this horrific concentration camp--violated by perpetrators who cover their tracks with terror and the lasting confusion about the nature of love and intimacy that they engender. I repeat, I would have said: "Think long and hard before you go there...it is a profound commitment."

Signed, A Survivor of a Survivor

Hello Survivor,

It sounds like you are crawling through a jungle of depression. This grueling relationship has eaten you hollow. I hope you are receiving some professional counseling of your own. I am sorry to hear that she left you for another. Have you considered the possibility that when she ran away from you, she was really running away from herself? Maybe she did not feel that she deserved the love and care you gave her. If you treated her with the love and respect that every human deserves, and her self-perception was that of an unlovable person, then this would create a conflict within her which ultimately manifests itself as unbearable anxiety. Everyone naturally tries to get away from anxiety. So she left, and found someone who (according to your description) is as psychologically wounded as she is. Please don’t think that I am blaming you for the collapse of your relationship. On the contrary, I admire your loving commitment and dedication. Her decision to leave was her choice. You are only responsible for your own actions; she is responsible for hers. It sounds like you did all you could have done. Now it is time to focus on taking care of yourself with as much care as you have shown to her. It’s time to heal as best as you can. In your letter, you refer to the “irreversible, psychological scars” that you have endured. I do not believe that any psychological scar is completely irreversible. There is always hope. It will take time, however. Just as a small sapling eventually grows into a strong tree, you, too, can heal those scars and reach for the sunshine.

The flavor of your letter seems to indicate that you are blaming yourself for everything that has happened. This, and other indignities, justifies your feelings of self-dishonor. However, you are in control of your own attitude. You need to stop thinking about the negative things. There is enough misery in life; you don’t need to revisit it in your mind. Think of yourself as a survivor, instead of a victim. Change the memory by using cognitive restructuring. In other words, change the way you view the situation by focusing on the positive aspects. You always have the power to choose your attitude. Do not let anyone else write your life script for you. You give the meaning to the event. (By the way, since your letter used the metaphor of a concentration camp, I highly recommend a book called Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. (He writes about his experience in a WWII concentration camp, and how he was able to keep a positive attitude despite it all.) The best thing I can tell you is don’t let your pain become your identity. Let your life experiences become your teachers. We learn from both the pleasant times as well as the difficult times. Once you have learned lessons from your pain, you can draw strength from that wisdom. And that strength can see you through just about anything!

​

Forgive and Forget, Barbie