A PERVERTED PLAYGROUND IN THE HUMAN PSYCHE

Dear Uncle Barbie,

I was verbally abused and occasionally touched in a sexual way as a child by members of my family. Now, as a grown woman, my sexual experiences have been in a BDSM (bondage, sadomasochism) relationship. I enjoy being submissive and sexually abused. Is this because of my childhood or just the type of sex I enjoy?

Signed, Ms. Puzzled

Hello Ms. Puzzle,

I’m sorry to hear about the verbal abuse and incest that you experienced in your family. Unfortunately, that type of familial problem is all too common in our society (and globally, too, for that matter). When incestuous relationships are multigenerational (in other words, having gone on for many generations), the family members may start to think that this type of behavior is acceptable--especially if they were raised that way, learning from parents and grandparents. When this happens, the dysfunctional dynamics of the sexual behavior can start to feel “normalized” within the confines of that particular family. Although the abuse is still destructive, it often becomes a predictable pattern, which can be mistaken as a “normal” familial experience by the participants.

Based on your question, it sounds as if you have already made great strides in understanding the abuse and hopefully have started your healing process. The fact that you have identified the inappropriate behavior in your family as abuse tells me that you recognize that it was destructive. Now, perhaps, you are also better able to understand and recognize the destructive patterns of behavior in your current sexual relationships that involve bondage, sadism, and masochism (BDSM). I’m not saying that all S&M activities are destructive for everyone. However, in your particular case, you might want to closely look at your motivation for saying, “I enjoy being submissive and sexually abused.” If you don’t mind my rephrasing your statement a little, perhaps what you really mean to say is that you are used to being abused.

Here is how I understand the process of how people form sexual associations. We learn to make associations based on our personal experiences. (By the way, developing a sexual association is a much different process from developing a sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is based largely on genetics, biochemical, and pre-natal developmental interactions that later amalgamate in concert with social learning). So, when you learn to make an association whereby you pair pain with pleasure, you are basing this association on past sexual behaviors that have become familiar (and therefore comfortable) to you. Basically, what I am trying to explain here is that you seem to have linked up the experience of abuse with the experience of sexual expression. You have been taught since childhood to sexualize an abusive situation.

Now, in your adult life, you look for these “comfortably familiar” experiences because you not only feel content with what is predictable, you also feel a certain false sense of control with what you perceive to be a ordinary sexual experience. After all, you did say that you “enjoy being sexually abused.” A couple of sentences back, I used the phrase, “false sense of control.” I chose those words because you are really not in control of your S & M encounter. Rather, you are surrendering your personal power over to the other person/s. (From what I have been told by people who practice S & M, the exchange of power and control is usually shared equally between the individuals involved. Of course, those people I talked to were only sharing their personal experiences, and not speaking for all people who practice sexual bondage. So I’m sure there is some degree of variation.)

You asked, “Is this because of my childhood or just the type of sex I enjoy?” Actually, it is both. You apparently enjoy this type of sex because you formed sexual associations to S & M experiences that stem from your roots as an abused child. The really big question, which you did not ask, is how to express your sexuality in a healthier way. I suggest breaking the old pattern of S & M bondage and developing some brand-new sexual associations to romantic intimacy that involves gentleness, tenderness, and kindness. Obviously, this change will take a lot of time and therapy. And since the type of therapeutic support you require goes beyond the boundaries of this advice column, I strongly suggest you seek individual (as well as group) counseling from your local mental health service center. I recommend Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy because, based on research studies, it tends to be the most effective form of therapy for your type of situation.

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Shout, Shout, Let It All Out, Barbie

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