BREAKING UP ISN’T REALLY SO HARD TO DO
By: Mark Lagenfeld

                       

I know it may sound strange, but you do not have to find fault with your romantic partner in order to leave the relationship. This mindset seems to go against the popular story line in romantic movies and on TV soap operas. Most people I have talked to are of the opinion that you need to find fault with your partner in order to justify the breakup. They seem to have the fixed concept in their heads that if a couple breaks up, one of them has to be condemned.

 

This type of blame game is not only destructive and hurtful, it also blocks a cordial relationship between the two people in the future. But what if you could go your separate ways without the blaming and shaming? What if you could part company amicably? Do you think that is possible? Let’s take a look at what leads up to a couple turning against each other, and then see if we can reconstruct that break up in such a way as to end it civilly without all the animosity that usually engenders separation.

 

Expectations: With few exceptions, it is almost always our expectations of each another that result in hurt feelings and disappointments. We build the person up in our minds to be the ideal romantic partner who will be understanding at all times and never let us down—just like in the romance novels. It should come as no surprise, then, that such thoughts lend themselves to disillusionment and eventual conflict once reality sets in. (Seriously, what did you expect?)

 

One of my early spiritual mentors told me, “Expectations are a delicious recipe for disappointment.” That statement has served me well over the years. It made a lot of sense to me then and still does today. It’s all about keeping an objective point of view.

 

When we have expectations about someone, we are searching for certain traits, behaviors, and characteristics in that person. Of course, it goes without saying that the things we are looking for are things that we need to satisfy our desires, not theirs’. I’m talking about emotional desires, such as the need to feel validated, loved, nurtured, secure, etc.

 

These are not necessarily negative desires in-and-of themselves. However, they can quickly become problematic when we place the responsibility to meet these desires squarely on the shoulders of the other person by requiring them to live up to our secret expectations as a condition to staying in the relationship.

 

The catch is that we never actually tell our romantic partners our expectations in words, do we? No, we don’t. We expect them to figure it out on their own, and then blame them for not understanding us when they don’t get it. We say things like, “Well, if you don’t know why I’m upset, I’m not going to tell you.” Or, “If you really loved me, you would know.” Or, “I shouldn’t have to explain myself.” Do any of these phrases sound familiar? I thought so.

 

There’s a better way. Instead of having all these expectations, it is better to view someone objectively without requiring anything from that person. I understand this may sound impossible. How do you look at your romantic partner objectively when you are in love? Try this: imagine that you are the observer, not the analyzer. Pretend that you are seeing the person for the first time. Try your best to forget, at least for the moment, all that you already know about the person. Let your mind be open to whatever your senses detect. Then, just see the reality of what is there. Do not wish for what is not there. Face reality with eyes wide open.

 

Perhaps, you have been on the receiving end of harsh criticism. When this would happen, I’ll bet it was almost always because your partner had expectations about you that were unmet. Realize that those expectations were the cause of the anger, not you. Unless you violated someone’s basic human rights or committed some hymnist crime, you didn’t deserve that harsh criticism.

 

When situations like this arise in a relationship, it is time for both of you to examine your expectations toward one another without judgment. How do you know when you are being judgmental? Well, typically judgments spring up when you compare yourself to other people to determine who is right and who is wrong. When you let go of these judgments, it is easier to go through the breakup process without all the bitterness. Harboring resentment in your heart hurts you not the other person.

 

Today’s Loving Suggestion: Whether you are thinking about breaking up, in the middle of separating, or getting over a relationship, you need to let go of past hurts before you can be fully mindful of the joy in the present moment.

 

Ask yourself how much of your hurt is the result of your expectations? Forgive yourself first, then your present/former partner. No one is perfect, so don’t expect perfection. When you let go of that expectation, you will feel better immediately.

 

Imagine opening your arms up wide and releasing all the anger, resentment and hurt you have for those who have hurt you in romantic relationships. Picture your former partners standing far off in the distance on the horizon. Wish them well and let them go while always keeping peace in your heart.